Call Me Crazy.....

So I’ve been wedding planning. Two words. Crazy. Fun. If I was queen of the world, which clearly I’m not, I’d give everyone common sense with the wave of my magic wand. Poof! The world would be a whole lot less entertaining but I feel like I might be able to accomplish more. I won’t bore you with all the details however I feel the need to share with you some of the highlights of the last few weeks.


Cut to dress shopping. You know me, and therefore you know I turned into a sweaty red monster as soon as me and D-Fab hit the front door. I had convinced myself in my head I was good to go- ready to do this!! So I check in and maybe the second thing that came out of the lovely desk ladies mouth:

Her: “I just wanted to verify that you meant 2012 and not 2013?”

Me: “Yup”

Her: “wow!!! That’s coming right up”

Me: Yup

(at this point I look to my left to the Jedi Master (known as JM for the rest of this story). I am potentially sweating more profusely and a darker shade of red by this point. JM senses my anxiety and gives me the s’all good darlin’ look)

This would have been the end of the story until crazy bridal consultant #1 and #2 decided to come up and look over desk ladies shoulder.

CBC#1: Whoa! You’re getting in November! Really?!?!

Me: Yup

CBC#2: Whoa! How are you feeling about that?! Are you going ok?

Me: Just fine **what I really said in my head: I was just fine and dandy till all you crazy wedding people implied that I should in no way shape or form be fine.

So again my raging hot mess factor bumped up a notch and the JM and I walked away while they were blabbing about what to do with me. In true JM fashion, D-Fab pointed out to me that they clearly were not used to dealing with professionals. They are used to dealing with people that needed a lot more time to handle the biz. Thank you JM for being the voice of reason in that crazy shop that day.

That would have been the end of my sweating profusely and being red but then I actually had to try on dresses in a crowded room. All is well that ends well though... and that trip ended with a big frosty margarita!



My next episode in they said what?!? Wedding edition happened today. Here is the cliff noted version….

Me: (Standing under a huge sign that said BAKERY) Hi! I’d like to order a wedding cake

Crazy Cake Lady: a what?

Me: a wedding cake

Crazy Cake Lady: for when? This weekend?

Me: ummmm, No…

Crazy Cake Lady: Oh thank goodness!!

Me: *in my head** WTF?!?! Who would wait until Wednesday to order a WEDDING cake for the weekend? I look like a crazy person ohhh good…..

Me: so can I place an order?

Crazy Cake Lady: Do you know what you want?

Me: Yes (points to cake on display) that in a different color

Crazy Cake Lady: ohhh its square. I don’t know if we do square cakes anymore. Let me check maybe I should take that display down.

Me: *in my head** no square cakes really??? And how do you not know this? Aren’t you a cake lady? If you don’t have square cakes I’m prolly gonna wanna shove that nice pretty one up front up your you know what.

Cut to a few minutes later- Crazy Cake Lady comes rushing out from behind the counter directly at me and my MIL2B….

Crazy Cake Lady: you need to schedule an appointment I don’t know anything about this or how much it will cost.

Me: ok I’d like to schedule an appointment

Crazy Cake Lady: I don’t know any prices or anything this isn’t the way we normally do this.

Me: Ok. I’d like to schedule an appointment

Crazy Cake Lady: We have books. If you would have made an appointment someone would sit down with you and go over all that and the prices. Let me go get the books.

Me: ***in my head**** Dear baby jeezuz give me the strength to figure out what this bat shit crazy cake lady wants from me right now. Did that b word snort some powdered sugar this morning or what??? Sugar? That’s all I can smell goddammit I haven’t had a stupid carb in like 3.46 days and I swear if this lady doesn’t tell me what the heck she wants from me soon I might pull a Tyson and chomp her effing ear off. Man I want cake. Mmmmmm cake.

Crazy Cake Lady: Here I found the books!!!

*note to you* this book was seriously from no later than 1987. The cake pictures in it resembled the below.** these are not the actual pics but they are equally as entertaining…

Crazy Cake Lady: I’m not sure if we can do these cakes or not and I’m not sure what the prices are because I’m not sure if they are right or not. If you make an appointment we can sit down and tell you all that.

Me: *SIGH* ok I’d like to make an appointment. * in my head* please lady take my effing info and let us go on our merry way. I don’t want to look at your book with cakes that you don’t know if you make and you don’t know how much they cost. Actually I don’t want any cakes in your book….I want that nice pretty square one right up on the middle of the counter… yep… that’s the one… crusting over on full display…so perdy….me likey…me wants!

Crazy Cake Lady: Ok well let me get your info and we can set up and appointment and go over what we can and can’t do and all the pricing. We do that at the appointments.

MIL2B: So someone will call her and set up an appointment?

Crazy Cake Lady: oh yeah, it will all come through me…

Me: ****in my head*** Really? You know what to do if someone schedules an appointment but Im pretty sure like 17 precious minutes of my life wasted ago you looked at me like I had a raging case of the herpe on my face when I asked to order a wedding a cake. “ok well, can’t wait to see you at my APPOINTMENT”



I’ll update you on how that appointment goes…..but if today is any indication I’m going to need a jumbo size box o’ wine!