2012- The Year in Review

Whoooa! I seriously can not believe this year is over already!! I feel like it went by so fast - a classic sign of getting closer to riding the ol' rascal and popping geritol like its my job. I vaguely remember sitting on the beach in Hawaii last Christmas with my Cali fam contemplating what 2012 might have in store for me.... turns out I couldn't have even imagined it in my wildest Pina Colada induced dreams.
here's a brief rundown of the highlights I am actually able to remember:
January:

rung the NY in with my bro, SIL and nephew after an amazing Hawaiian Christmas

March:

totally hijacked J's trip to Orlando for a conference, got some R&R and made a splash as the best wingman ever to a friend of J's by picking up chicks for him in the bathroom (thank you open bar) and then proceeded to St Augustine where I got all hopped up on margaritas and lost a bunch of drinks to some Duke fans - i dunno its still hazy but thats the story J is telling.

May:

Got to go home to Wisconsin and see my two adorable nieces dance recitals. It was about that time i realized that those little mamas are growing up so fast and i feel like a) im super old and b) i've missed out on a lot...and am going to try to be a better aunt.

June:

got engaged to the most awesome guy in the world

July:

threw my own birthday party - yeah i'm awesome like that

saw Magic Mike- there's a lot of lawbreakers up in huuuurrrr

August:

became full blown crazy dog lady when my princess got sick. I can't live without my furbabies and I am now fully aware that I might be psychotic about it.

Sept/ Oct:

Spent most saturdays of both of these month cheering on the CATS!!! and planning 2.0. Started losing my hair

November:

2.0 - good times and many a pudding shot were had. got to see the fam and celebrate Hannah's and Jason's birthday with them. My heart nearly exploded from all the joy. happy. happy. happy.

(cats lost but we still aren't talking about that)

hosted thanksgiving dinner without burning the bird and had plenty of wine! great success!

December:

managed to finish all my christmas shopping in front of the rush without killing or maiming anyone during the holiday season- yay me!

got to spend the holiday in Las Vegas with the fam- including twin brother... he does exsist people i'm not making him up!! =)

i am not sure how i got to be so lucky in life but i am so thankful for it. i feel like the storm that followed me around over the last few years has finally passed and now i get to enjoy the rainbow.

thank you friends - i am so lucky to have you in my life. i appreciate your friendship, support, and everything you add to my life.

thank you family- for everything you have done for me and continue to do for me. Ya'll know i'm crazy and love me anyways. I appreciate your honest feedback and sarcasm =) it helps me stay on my game.

(CHEESE ALERT) thank you j- its been a whirlwind year- i don't even know where to start. thank you doesn't even begin to cut it. you've seen me at my worst and love me in spite of it. you let me go off about whatever it is. you make me laugh. you talk me down off the ledge...regularly. you are always the practical sane half. you tell me how beautiful i am everyday. you work hard on making our relationship better. i am the luckiest.girl.in.the.world!!

i am so excited to see what 2013 brings for all my friends and family - i hope it brings you all nothing but happiness and good things!! 

random thoughts

Holy Schmokeys! I seriously cannot believe that October is almost over with!! I have been meaning to post for a while… but then I always find something way more exciting (ha!) to occupy my time. That’s a complete lie but truth is I have been pretty busy. So I’m going to make it up to you today with a bunch of randomness.


First off…

Lets talk about Pinterest. Yep, still slightly obsessed.  Here are some successes and fail whales for ya….

Great Success…

These cream cheese bars… delish!!! I took them to a tailgate brunch and they were a complete hit!

http://myellowumbrella.blogspot.com/2010/10/sopapilla-cheesecake.html



sooo easy to make and sooo scrumptious. PS- I used reduced fat crescent rolls and 1/3 less fat cream cheese and cut back the butter a little bit and they were still uhhh-freaking-mazing!!!

I’ve also had great success in finding some wedding décor ideas—y’all will have to wait til after the big day to check out that action though – soooorrry!!!! I don’t want to give everything away!!

Now on to the Fails:

Pumpkin brownies….

Basically you take a brownie mix and instead of oil/ eggs/ water you add a can of pumpkin puree….

People, don’t waste your time. I ended up throwing about ¾ the pan out. If you’ve ever met me… you know that I consider throwing brownies away a crime against humanity. It hurt my heart to chuck the chocolate but not even worth the reduced calories.

A much better plan… do this little pumpkin trick with a spice cake mix…. That’ll make you holla honey boo boo child! Good stuff!

This is neither a fail nor a success- just an observation I guess. A while back I mentioned liquid ayhole (aka apple cider vinegar). Apparently that shiz is also good to use on your face for acne. In the last few months crazy pubescent mother nature fairy has blessed my chin with a serious case of pizza face, so I figured what the heck… obviously I didn’t keep drinking that shiz so there was plenty of it left. Well turns out all you can smell after putting it on your face is ummm…liquid ayhole… This is very exciting news if you happen to be one of my furry children… seriously they are all over it like white on rice… Once we got over the initial sniffing of my face like dog park booty buffet I seriously kept thinking that one of them turded all over the floor. Good times.

In unrelated news…here are some products that I’ve been using lately that I seriously dig:

Covergirl BB-about $6 at Walgreens

I have been using this in place of moisturizer now that it isn’t summer. It’s sort of like a tinted moisturizer. I do use a cream foundation over for a little more coverage now that my age is starting show.



Ulta Ultimate Styling Volume & Texture Hair Powder- $8.99 at Ulta

This stuff is dyn-o-mite if you have thin/ fine hair like this girl. An added bonus that the only other comparable product I found was about 3 times as much as the Ulta brand. Anyways, this stuff is a little weird the first time you use it. You shake it out on your roots like powder but it feels almost like liquid on your scalp. Then you smoosh it around till the powder is gone and you get a nice little lift. My hair falls some during the day but I bring it right back by smooshing it back up. Yes, smooshing is a technical term =).

Well that’s all for today. Happy Monday!

Awkward turtle back pats for everyone!!

Hi! For those of you who don’t know I am socially AAAAWKWARD!! This is nothing new to me… frankly I’ve always been a little…ok a lotta different. I don’t know how I turned out like this although I have several theories. One area this impacts in my life is friendships. Let’s talk about this for a second if you don’t mind. Don’t get me wrong- I love my friends and like to spend time with them. Everything goes great, good times are had, and then…. The awkwardness commences at good bye. For some reason I manage to have a LOT of friends who are huggers. I, however, am not one of those people. PERIOD. It creeps me the eff out. I have a bubble and anybody that enters the bubble my whole mind and body go on high alert. INTRUDER!!! INTRUDER!!! INTRUDER!!!! This is not something I can control. It’s natural instinct baby.  So, back to my hugger friends. I have heard on several occasions that people think I don’t  like them or I’m a big stuck up biznatch because I give them the ol’ awkward turtle back pat when they get all up in my biz for a hug. I’m sorry for those of you this offends, but honestly count yourself lucky that I don’t reflexively kick you in the junk, because that is probably what I’m holding back right then.  No joke. Luckily for me, there are some people who find this little defect hilarious and jiggle their lady lumps on me when giving me the biggest hug goodbye ever.  That makes this girl turn red…every.time.  Moral of the story friends…if I fist bump you instead of giving you a big ol’ hug don’t take it personal. It’s not you – its me…. Really.

Call Me Crazy.....

So I’ve been wedding planning. Two words. Crazy. Fun. If I was queen of the world, which clearly I’m not, I’d give everyone common sense with the wave of my magic wand. Poof! The world would be a whole lot less entertaining but I feel like I might be able to accomplish more. I won’t bore you with all the details however I feel the need to share with you some of the highlights of the last few weeks.


Cut to dress shopping. You know me, and therefore you know I turned into a sweaty red monster as soon as me and D-Fab hit the front door. I had convinced myself in my head I was good to go- ready to do this!! So I check in and maybe the second thing that came out of the lovely desk ladies mouth:

Her: “I just wanted to verify that you meant 2012 and not 2013?”

Me: “Yup”

Her: “wow!!! That’s coming right up”

Me: Yup

(at this point I look to my left to the Jedi Master (known as JM for the rest of this story). I am potentially sweating more profusely and a darker shade of red by this point. JM senses my anxiety and gives me the s’all good darlin’ look)

This would have been the end of the story until crazy bridal consultant #1 and #2 decided to come up and look over desk ladies shoulder.

CBC#1: Whoa! You’re getting in November! Really?!?!

Me: Yup

CBC#2: Whoa! How are you feeling about that?! Are you going ok?

Me: Just fine **what I really said in my head: I was just fine and dandy till all you crazy wedding people implied that I should in no way shape or form be fine.

So again my raging hot mess factor bumped up a notch and the JM and I walked away while they were blabbing about what to do with me. In true JM fashion, D-Fab pointed out to me that they clearly were not used to dealing with professionals. They are used to dealing with people that needed a lot more time to handle the biz. Thank you JM for being the voice of reason in that crazy shop that day.

That would have been the end of my sweating profusely and being red but then I actually had to try on dresses in a crowded room. All is well that ends well though... and that trip ended with a big frosty margarita!



My next episode in they said what?!? Wedding edition happened today. Here is the cliff noted version….

Me: (Standing under a huge sign that said BAKERY) Hi! I’d like to order a wedding cake

Crazy Cake Lady: a what?

Me: a wedding cake

Crazy Cake Lady: for when? This weekend?

Me: ummmm, No…

Crazy Cake Lady: Oh thank goodness!!

Me: *in my head** WTF?!?! Who would wait until Wednesday to order a WEDDING cake for the weekend? I look like a crazy person ohhh good…..

Me: so can I place an order?

Crazy Cake Lady: Do you know what you want?

Me: Yes (points to cake on display) that in a different color

Crazy Cake Lady: ohhh its square. I don’t know if we do square cakes anymore. Let me check maybe I should take that display down.

Me: *in my head** no square cakes really??? And how do you not know this? Aren’t you a cake lady? If you don’t have square cakes I’m prolly gonna wanna shove that nice pretty one up front up your you know what.

Cut to a few minutes later- Crazy Cake Lady comes rushing out from behind the counter directly at me and my MIL2B….

Crazy Cake Lady: you need to schedule an appointment I don’t know anything about this or how much it will cost.

Me: ok I’d like to schedule an appointment

Crazy Cake Lady: I don’t know any prices or anything this isn’t the way we normally do this.

Me: Ok. I’d like to schedule an appointment

Crazy Cake Lady: We have books. If you would have made an appointment someone would sit down with you and go over all that and the prices. Let me go get the books.

Me: ***in my head**** Dear baby jeezuz give me the strength to figure out what this bat shit crazy cake lady wants from me right now. Did that b word snort some powdered sugar this morning or what??? Sugar? That’s all I can smell goddammit I haven’t had a stupid carb in like 3.46 days and I swear if this lady doesn’t tell me what the heck she wants from me soon I might pull a Tyson and chomp her effing ear off. Man I want cake. Mmmmmm cake.

Crazy Cake Lady: Here I found the books!!!

*note to you* this book was seriously from no later than 1987. The cake pictures in it resembled the below.** these are not the actual pics but they are equally as entertaining…

Crazy Cake Lady: I’m not sure if we can do these cakes or not and I’m not sure what the prices are because I’m not sure if they are right or not. If you make an appointment we can sit down and tell you all that.

Me: *SIGH* ok I’d like to make an appointment. * in my head* please lady take my effing info and let us go on our merry way. I don’t want to look at your book with cakes that you don’t know if you make and you don’t know how much they cost. Actually I don’t want any cakes in your book….I want that nice pretty square one right up on the middle of the counter… yep… that’s the one… crusting over on full display…so perdy….me likey…me wants!

Crazy Cake Lady: Ok well let me get your info and we can set up and appointment and go over what we can and can’t do and all the pricing. We do that at the appointments.

MIL2B: So someone will call her and set up an appointment?

Crazy Cake Lady: oh yeah, it will all come through me…

Me: ****in my head*** Really? You know what to do if someone schedules an appointment but Im pretty sure like 17 precious minutes of my life wasted ago you looked at me like I had a raging case of the herpe on my face when I asked to order a wedding a cake. “ok well, can’t wait to see you at my APPOINTMENT”



I’ll update you on how that appointment goes…..but if today is any indication I’m going to need a jumbo size box o’ wine!

Puppy love

I’m baaaaaaaaaaack…. Sorry it’s been awhile…life’s been a little crazy…


So here’s a recap of the last month or so… its hot as ballz- apparently me no likey because I’ve been seriously lacking motivation to leave the air conditioning. Like full on lazy girl… I’m planning a wedding…my wedding! Yippee… I’ve been spending an obscene amount of time on Pinterest. Seriously, it’s like crack for my eyeballs. And lastly, I’ve had a sick puppy for the last 10 days me super no likey!

So let’s start with the mushy stuff. Well, before I do here’s the warning: Yes, I am a crazy dog lady. I love my dogs more than life itself and if you think that’s weird or don’t appreciate it you should click that little “x” at the top right of your screen. Seriously, stop reading now…

So, my little princess started acting weird last Friday. All shaky and not standing right on her legs. Of course this was after the vet had closed for the day. So we loaded her up and hauled her off to the ER. The vet thought she got into something toxic. So, we spent the weekend tearing the house apart trying to figure out what the hell she got into. So Sunday we went to visit her because she was getting worse. I was not prepared to see that. If you’ve ever met Josie you know she is crazy wild as all hail. She is super athletic and more hyper active than a 4 year old on speed. That is not the dog we visited. She could barely stand and her eyes were not their sparkly selves. I bawled and bawled and then bawled some more. Finally, Monday we got the answer from the neurologist that she has an auto-immune thing going on and its causing intention tremors. So basically, every times she goes to do something her brain like rapid mis-fires and she has these tremors. Saddest thing ever… Tuesday she came home and its been a little rough since then. I’m not sure if it’s the medicine or being sick or being in a kennel at the vets office for 4 days but she has been pizzing and shizzing all over the carpet at all hours of the day and night. She seems to be getting a little better and stronger but it has been an eye opening experience for sure. What I learned from this: 1) my dogs ARE my kids 2) you can only keep crazy dog lady in the closet so long- when push comes to shove…that shiz will come out 3) I might not be ready for human kids…sleep deprivation and cleaning up poopies makes me a ragin’ beeotch 4) I really should check out that insurance for doggies… like seriously.

So before that all happened I was spending entirely too much time on Pinterest. I’ve tried to cut it down to the just slightly over kill range these days. Here are a few things you need to try…

Easiest Breakfast ever

Hootenanny: (Oven Pancake):

Blend up 1 c. white flour, 1 c. milk, 6 eggs, and 1/4 tsp. salt. Pour batter into greased 9x13 pan. Then, pour 1/2 stick melted butter over the top (do not mix). Bake for 25 minutes at 400 degrees. Cut in pieces, drizzle with Maple Syrup, serve.

I used a little less butter… and it was delicious!!!

It bakes up around the edges like an awesome science experiment so make sure the top rack isn’t too close to the top of your pan!

Also you should definitely try this Fried Rice recipe:

I modified this from a recipe found here:
http://life-as-a-lofthouse.blogspot.com/2010/09/baked-sweet-and-sour-chicken-with-fried.html



Fried Rice



1 bag of steam in the bag brown rice (microwaved according to pkg directions)

1 ½ cup chopped rotisserie chicken

1 tbsp olive oil (or more to taste)

1 cup frozen peas and carrots (thawed)

1 small onion, chopped

2 tsp minced garlic

2 eggs, slightly beaten

1/4 cup soy sauce

On medium high heat, heat the oil in a large skillet or wok. Add the peas/carrots mix, onion and garlic. Stir fry until tender. Lower the heat to medium low and push the mixture off to one side, then pour your eggs on the other side of skillet and stir fry until scrambled. Now add the rice and soy sauce and blend all together well. Stir fry until thoroughly heated!



Tastes like take-out!!!



Hope you all have a great week!!!

Freak of Nature

So apparently the ladies at the blood drive don’t find my little sweating problem all that amusing. Sorry that I got all nervous when little Ms. Ax Murderer butchered my arm with that needle. And when I said that the profuse sweating that you saw was “normal” and you looked at me like I was bat sh!t crazy…that only made me turn red, sweat even more, and possibly tear up a little. There’s nothing that makes a freak of nature more nervous than watching that light bulb go off over peoples head when they realize holy hell I got one of dem der freaks in my chair. So then you called your friends over to have a looksy at old sweaty betty juicing up your chair. By the way Ms. Ax murderer and your freak gawking friends, if you would have laid that chair back down and put cold rags on my head after I told you I was fine 50 times, you would have made me cry. Yes folks, that’s what happens with this girl when things get crazy. I can’t help it. Normally once people realize that I’m fine they find it hilarious. Apparently, blood drive ladies… not so much. So then we get past the whole omg you’re totally a sweaty freak and are you ok? are you sure you’re ok part and the supervisor comes over and is like something’s not right with your blood flow? If you don’t get past 450 in the next 4 minutes we can’t use your donation. Y’all know how I hate to lose at anything so I get all “what can I do to make this a win?” Bring Ms. Ax Murderer over here and give her a whack at my jugular. Good times today – good times. I did get what I went for though… a frosty diet coke and some nutter butters! Score!!!


In other news, I’ve been seriously Pinterest obsessed. Here are a few hits and misses that I’ve attempted over the last couple weeks:

HITS:

Tiffany Blue toe nails (one of the freak gawkers at the blood drive today told me I reminded her of a mermaid…. Mermaids don’t even have toenails duh!)

Using frozen grapes as ice cubes in your wine. Hail.to. the.yes.

Freezer meals- anything to make my life easier.

Hot Tools curling irons- unlike any ConAir I’ve ever owned!!! Curls last all day long. Love it!

Homemade “frosty paws” for the puppies… they are Junior, Josie, and Maddie approved!!!

MISSES:

Cleaning shower glass with lemon pledge- supposed to make it spot free for days… I’m sure it’s completely spot free underneath that layer of greasy smear.

Trying to do funky designs on my own nails… my right hand always turns out looking like a Corky art project.

Using “natural” baking soda and vinegar to clean the oven… buy the poison and let it work its magic.





Here are my latest beauty product loves as well:

-Maybelline Illegal Lengths Mascara $8 CVS

This is good stuff… makes my thinning and shrinking lashes appear longer and doesn’t clump! I like it!

-Hot Tools Curling Iron $22 Amazon.com

Around the same price as the brands you can buy at Target or Wally World- but don’t waste your time or money on those. Trying it has made me a believer- these are SOOOO much better.

-Aveeno Positively Radiant Face Wash and Aveeno Positively Radiant Face Scrub- $6 each Target

This stuff smells good and leaves your face clean and fresh.

New Birchbox should be arriving any day so I’m sure I’ll have some more fun stuff to share with you soon!!!

It's hawt as ballz....

Happy Thursday Friends! So I survived the 5K on Saturday. It wasn’t pretty by any means but it was good for me in a couple ways. All the way up to the start line I was going to mall walk that sucker. Turns out that Connie Competitive over here just can’t stand to have people pass her arse. So in total I ran maybe half of it. As soon as I saw the 2 mile marker I decided I had to run the rest no matter what…plus I could see Cankles about a block or two ahead of me and that hoochie mama was not going to finish before me. Yes this shiz actually does go through my head. Another thing that always amazes me at these runs is the broad range of people they attract. Makes for some seriously good people watching. It also doesn’t help that my friend Chris who ran it with me is as big of a judger as me, but it does make for some pretty entertaining conversations. Hell – party of 1? Reservations confirmed! Anyways, in true chubby girl fashion after I burned that 300 calories I rewarded myself with a big ol’ breakfast. Best.Waffle.EVER!!! (The Egg&I local people- go there for realz!) I am a sucker for some breakfast! Ever since Saturday I’ve been super motivated to run on my own (said this girl NEVER-ha). I’ve been going regularly and pushing myself to run a little further every day. Pretty soon I’ll be back up to 2 miles straight haha. Actually this may be mostly because they posted pictures of the run and i managed to catch a glimpse of the one of me crossing the finish line. Why do they do that? No one really looks good running do they? Unfortunately, I look like my thighs caught a bad case of elephantitis. So sad!! Note to self wear full body suit in public from now on!  


I’ve received lots of positive feedback about my ramblings over the last few weeks and I want you to know that I sincerely appreciate it! I’ve even had some requests for topics- which I LOVE by the way. I’m happy to accommodate my fans as well!! =) I have a good one coming with my birthday looming ever so near… so stayed tuned for that action! And if you have anything you want this girls advice or opinions on… just shoot me an email @ melschroeder32@hotmail.com or leave it in the comments. I’ll be happy to give you my 2 cents!!! Just a warning you may be subject to public humiliation if you have some serious craziness going on so if you don’t want it repeated out loud you better tell me that up front.

Speaking of birthday looming, weird things happening with this girl. I haven’t been able to sleep and have been overall extremely grouchy. I feel so old. For some reason my brain likes to worry about all sorts of stuff. Random stuff. When I was much younger like I dunno maybe 20-21ish, I set these milestones in my head about where I’d be at certain points in my life. And now those milestones are coming up and I need to just realize I spent most of my early 20’s wasted face and let it go. Hmmmm, so I just maybe realized that I potentially do my best life planning when drunko… is that a problem? Anyways, looks like I'm not going to be a super model, a lottery winner, a CEO, or uber-rich this go around- guess i'll get shmammered and work on plan B. I plan on celebrating the shiz out of this bday. This might include me dancing like an akward white girl and a girls day at the theatre watching Magic Mike. HOLLLLLLA!! I'm pretty sure that movie coming out this weekend is the universes bday gift to me personally!! Thank you Universe and Mr. Mc Cona-HEEEEYYYY!!!! I'll update you fools on the weekends shannanigans next week!! You may even get a partay pic!

Adventures in Marinating

I found a new friend over the weekend. His name is Marinade. He made porkchops so delicious I can't stop thinking about him and all of his saucy cousins. I seriously don't know why I've never tried it before but I am hooked!!! Here is the marinade I used for said porky chops...

http://www.food.com/recipe/grilled-pork-chops-marinade-175264

Of course, in true Schroeder fashion, I didn't measure anything I just eyeballed it. Also, instead of plain old oregano I used Kirklands (from Costco) Rustic Tuscan seasoning. It had oregano and lemon in it like the marinade so I went with it. After letting it sit in a ziploc bag in the fridge for a few hours I grilled them... super delicious!!!
Those turned out so good I decided to try chicken Fajitas on Monday. All I did for these bad boys was throw the chicken in a ziploc baggie, squeeze about 5 fresh limes in the bag, added roughly the same amount of olive oil., then dumped in some good ol' taco seasoning. I let those suckers fiesta over night in the fridge and grilled it up. I sauteed some peppers and onions on the side.Then this happened: BEST.FAJITAS.EVER!!!
As you may or may not know, when something is working for me I tend to go with it. Call me compulsive... it's cool... So my next lil chicky adventures are taking a dip in the marinade pond as we speak... Cilantro Lime Garlic, Teriyaki, and that same fabulous one that I linked to above.... ohhh the possibilities.

In other news, my first birthday gift arrived today. Super awesome! There's nothing that makes me feel better about getting older than getting new stuff!!! I'm simple like that. I seriously can't believe I am this old. I mean I know what comes after 34 but in my head I still feel like 20-somethingish....well except for every morning when I get up and feel sore, and when I have one (ha!) too many frosty beverages and it takes me down for the count for a few days. Sigh. Ok never mind that isn't making me feel any better. On the bright side, I have the day off work, get to eat cake, and I'll never be this young again!!

 Just in case you need some ideas of what to make with your marinated meat here are some suggestions:
broccoli salad:
http://www.jamhands.net/2010/03/bodacious-broccoli-salad.html
 
and for dessert:
http://dessert.food.com/recipe/butterfinger-pie-29478
 

Your very own lab rat

Fun stuff today!! I’m going to be your own personal lab rat. Some product reviews just for you!


There is nothing I hate more than spending my hard earned money on something hoping it will work- only to find out it doesn’t! So here are a few things I’ve tried lately and what I think.

One of my new favorite things in life is Birchbox. Basically, its $10 a month and they send you a box of beauty samples. Why I love this? I am awkward as a girl (I blame that on going through my teens with no sisters) and frankly sometimes I need a push in the right direction when it comes to what I should be doing with myself beauty-wise. So for $10 I get to try a few things that I probably would never have spent the money on for a full sized product. Plus, I get a box of wrapped pretties in the mail every month. It’s like Christmas –without the crazy family-every.month. So this month here is what I got:

Masqueology Pore Minimizing Mask: This was very weird but totally awesome. It was like a Jason scary movie mask. It had a thin cloth that had been marinated in a mushroom extract serum inside. Basically you lay it over your face and chill out for 20 minutes and voila! Ladies: a warning- your men do not need to see you when you do this. Frankly- you will look scary and they just don’t get that sometimes things have to look worse for a little bit to look better. So, pick a time when you have about 20 minutes of alone time and knock yourself out. I did mine before bed. The serum on it is a weird consistency but it is very soothing and doesn’t smell bad. Once you are done with the mask you just pull it off and chuck it. Then rub in the remaining stuff on your face. Every mask I’ve done before this you had to let it dry so I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t “feel” it working (you know me – I want results NOW!!!). What happens next is pretty much awesome…when I woke up the next day my skin was super soft and much smoother. Downside they are $8 a pop (as in per mask, not per box =() soooo turns out I might have to put this on my special treat list or try to find a cheaper substitute. Just keeping it real..on a budget friends!

Next up was the Stila One step Bronze. This was not just a sample! It was a full on legit full size bottle I think. I love bronzer. I think it is better than blush. That’s just me and you probably should definitely not take my word for it. I’m no frills- I want to look like I’ve tried without trying too much. I have been using only powder bronzer for as long as I’ve used it. A few swipes with a big ol’ brush and hello sun goddess… this stuff is more like a foundation. I was a little scared to try it because I silently judge people all day in my head when they look retarded in public and I do not want to be that girl. Plus I’m way too tall to pull off being an Oompa Loompa. So I used my usual foundation and then applied this over the top of that. It was just ok for me… Normally, when I do the powder bronzer I can just sweep it on the spots where the sun naturally hits and I think it looks very natural. The liquid doesn’t give that effect as much, in my opinion. Plus it’s a little harder to add more or less in areas where you might want to. So, although, I was stoked to get a full size product for cheap-o I think I’ll stick to my drugstore powder bronzer. As a side note, I just read the directions for use and apparently you are supposed to apply foundation after using this. I’m the worst girl ever! I’ll let you know if switching the order of applications finds me a whole new love for this—stay tuned….

theBalm® cosmetics Stainiac:

This is one that I would probably never have tried on my own – but I would definitely buy it now that I’ve tried it. I love love love it. I have very thin lips and am not all that in love with lipstick. If I use anything its Chap Stick or lip gloss. I used to work with a lady that wore bright arse lipstick every day and she’d always have it all over her teeth and face and I never knew a thing about what just happened after I got done talking to her other than the lipstick tragedy she had going on. I also do not want to be that girl. This gives my lips a nice natural color slightly darker than normal and helps define them a little more. I have to use Chap Stick over the top of this though because I feel like it’s a little dry. Not a problem though, because I normally use softlips like it’s my job anyways. You can also use this as a blush. In fear of looking like a circus clown I haven’t tried that yet. When and if I do – I’ll let you know.

I haven’t tried the self-tanning wipes or smelled the John Varvatos cologne yet… I like to spread out my surprises. I’ll keep you posted on that action though.

So my last product review for today has to do with something I’m VERY sensitive about. My feet. Birth defect #89. This goes back a LOOOONG way for me. I’ve had very ginormous feet since a very early age. Actually, it isn’t as bad now because it seems more common. At least that’s what I tell myself when I’m hanging out with the trannies in the big girl aisle at Payless. My problem seems to stem from the fact that I fall somewhere in between skis and pontoons. Skis are definitely too small and pontoons are slightly too big. So, I have to pick the lesser of two evils on pretty much every pair of shoes I buy. Which leads to a lot of blisters and other uncomfortable stuff going on with my feet. Good news is that you do get used to it. Bad news bears, it still sucks. So imagine my delight when I came across this:

Band-Aid Friction Block.

This is supposed to reduce rubbing on skin by forming an invisible barrier. I put this to the test today when I wore some sandals that fall into the ski category. Last time I wore them I got 2 blisters on each foot. The tube looks like a mini stick of deodorant. It smells good too!! Me likey. However, I am not convinced it is worth the money. I still feel uncomfortable rubbing where I’ve applied it (so I did round 2 halfway through the day). I do not have full on blisters but it definitely doesn’t make your shoes fit better. duh. Also it says do not use on blisters- so you’d be pretty much f’d if you decided to try it after the fact. My take on this: is save the $8.50 and buy yourself a margarita and a box of band aids.

Update on running status:

My neck/shoulder didn’t get the memo that me signing up for the 5k meant it should feel better. So, I’ve been walking –which is better than nothing I know but it’s not looking too good. I don’t imagine anything drastic will be changing in the next 9 days so I’m prolly looking at walking that sucker. =( I guess I just have to realize that sometimes you just have to be super patient in life. Sigh… I want what I want and I want it NOW!!! Pouty face.

On the bright side, it’s just about the weekend!!! =)


6/22/2012 ****UPDATE:
I would like to recant my original findings on Stila One step Bronze... I used it as directed and my results were MUUUUCCCHHHHH better. Me likey. However, I am still all in on my cheapy drugstore bronzer powder. Using it as directed was a little too much makeup for my sorry arse. And I am still cheap... so the drugstore stuff works for me... but I will definitely rock my bottle of this while i've got it!

Also- i would like to add my review on the Self Tanning Wipes: HOLY MOTHER of BABY jeezuz!!!!!! I thought in my head they were a bad idea... but the desire to be tan and find the next great thing was just too much for me... so i whipped one of these out yesterday before work and gave myself a wipe down. I tried not to push too hard to use up all the juice too fast. I was pretty satisified with the application. It SEEMED easy enough. Fast forward to after work. (Apparently the flourescent lighting at Cube City had me mesmerized b/c I seemed to think I looked fine all day.) So I rush home throw on shorts and a tank top and zoom out the door for volleyball. I'm in a super big hurry and all flustered. I get about a block down the road and I was like wow theres a weird spot on my arm. It must be the sun reflecting weird off my mirror. Right?? Right? RIGHT????? WRONG!!! its a new breed of spotted striped hooka looking right back in the rearview at me. I seriously looked like a freak show. Worst self tan EVER... Like my daddy always says, if it sounds too good to be true - it is... (ummm remind me sometime to tell you the air car story-YIKES!) Anyways, back to volleyball.... my awesome new streaky look distracted the other team enough that we totally won... or...it could have been my teammates also played awesome. Oh well captain distraction over here did her part...

Confessions of a chubster

Hi there! It’s been awhile… I know I’m sorry. Honestly, I didn't know anyone missed me until I got some crap for not keeping this up. So I’m back. I haven’t really been baking a whole lot these days. So sad I know. Long story short, I’m old and I hurt my neck. I never really thought I was all that active of a person but when you go from normal to barely moving for an extended period of time a few things happen. First, baking seems like way too much of a contact sport for your liking. Secondly, your arse starts to expand at a frightful pace- the mere thought of sweets causes you to swell unexpectedly. Thirdly, after pain meds and a little wine working that mixer and oven can cause bodily harm.  So anyways… no cake balls but I’d like to think my sarcasm and charming wit are mostly still intact so I might just have to focus on that for a while. Hope that’s ok…

Back to the whole not doing much for the last ohhh 4 months or so. I don’t know if you know this or not but its officially swim suit season. I am finding it extremely hard to get excited about it this year. I haven’t been doing anything more than getting up from the couch to grab a snack due to above mentioned injury and amazingly I’ve been able to keep the scale about the same but holy ballz… it’s just not the same. So in true Melissa fashion I’ve decided it is time to take drastic action. Granted it might only last a couple days, but I have to hit it hard while motivation is high so when I go back to eating bon-bons like it’s my job I’ll have a couple extra days before I move back to the fat pants. Drastic action 1: Sign up for a 5k…my thinking was that will get me running again. Good call. So in real life I ran 2 days last week  and now I feel guilty every day when my alarm goes off and I roll over to hit snooze because my neck hurts too bad to run. I’m not as tough as I used to be that’s for sure! If only good intentions burned some fat off this arse, I’d be so good to go. Drastic action 2: started a “diet” on a Tuesday. I’m a Monday girl. As in every Monday. And normally it only lasts until Tuesday or Wednesday before that ol’ Orange leaf is calling my name. Thankfully for the holiday this week… I might just make it to Thursday!!  Drastic action 3: drink liquid a-hole…ok not really. According to Dr. Oz drinking a few tablespoons of apple cider vinegar is supposed to help rev up your metabolism. I need to seriously stop watching that show…he is to the supplement/ vitamin market what Flava Flav is to oversized accessories. Turns out that once you manage to choke that sweet liquid A down – the after taste and churning in your stomach make food a whole lot less desirable- I’m gonna stick with it a few more days… this could work.  Drastic action 4: I’ve been trying to work from home less. What I’ve learned about working from home is that a lot of time snacking seems like way more fun than almost everything work related. So if I get stuck on something I’m like a few crackers will definitely help me figure that out. You know what they say…once you pop… you can’t stop.  The added upside of going to work for my diet plan is that because I have publicly stated laws of what not to wear to work I can’t wear my pajama bottoms or stretchy gym shorts.  Drastic action 5: tried on a pair of pants that I wore for one day when I was a skinny minny. Oh.yes.I.did! This may not be advisable for everyone depending on your mental status. But I needed a reality check. They fit mostly. By fit, I mean I got them buttoned and zipped. And by mostly, I mean I didn’t have to jump off the 4^th floor of the parking garage to get into them. Would I wear them in public? Hail to the no. That would be in violation of at least 3 of my fashion conduct rules.

Well I’m off to go attempt to run… I’ll keep you updated on my 5k progress, showstoppa in swimsuit status, and probably a few other life observations. =)